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Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino.

I was finishing my day at my externship that I just started in April of 2009 and I had a missed call from you. I'm like, "Well, hmm why did he call?" So, I called you back and we talked for a little bit, I swear whenever we talk, it was always like old times, no awkwardness, just fun and teasing. I miss that so much. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I do know it ended with me bringing you a STCF because you don't like coffee.

Being the nice girl I am, well we all know I would've done anything for you, I drove over to your house to give you the frappuccino. I think you liked it, I don't remember. Then you asked me to stay... and talk. My heart started racing because I didn't know what you wanted, I was always suspicious when you wanted to "talk". *sigh* Then we cleared things up. You asked if I still like you, I said I didn't know. You told me about how scared you were about leaving. How much you'd miss your family, how happy you were that Ryan would be with you. You talked about Cj, how madly in love you were with each other. And at that moment, I felt closure.

I think I knew from the very, VERY, beginning that there never would be an "us", but I always ignored that, hoping that if I prayed hard enough and talked to you enough, that if I got along with your family, maybe something would happen. But now that you're gone, I realize I finally regret something. I've lived 25 years, and this is the ONLY thing I regret. I can't go back and fix it. I can't go back and say sorry that I was so selfish and I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I had 3 years to tell you that, but I decided to be selfish and think about myself. I'm sorry I was so selfish.

Life changed since you left us here. Everything I worried about, everything that bothered me, everything I was so set on believing went down the drain. It stopped mattering. You know, I try my hardest not to get mad, and when I do I try not to stay mad too long. I think before I say everything, taking into consideration the feeling of others. I've become a little more considerate. I'm more active in KDNC now. I actually attend caucuses, haha. I actually respond to emails. I'm still lagging on preparing my lessons earlier, but I'm teaching Thanksgiving! Imagine that!

I'm so ready for 2009 to be over. This was seriously one of the hardest years of my life. I will never forget 2009, as much as I want, I don't think I should. I've learned too much.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Back and forth.

I'm confused. I don't know what is the right thing to do in this specific situation. I wish I knew how to make everything okay, but it's almost like that's just something temporary or fake. And I'm not fake, if I don't like you, I will most definitely keep my distance.

Keeping my distance is a tell-tale sign of how I feel about someone. But what a drastic change it has been. From this to that, or I mean, from that to this. It's hard to really comprehend and digest. I don't know why I changed. Growing up, finally, maybe? I think that's the biggest thing.

It feels like breaking up with a boyfriend. I feel like I'm going through the post-break-up stages or something. You start with the whole animosity thing, then treat each other like they don't exist, yada yada yada. I'm getting used to it. Blah. I don't know why I keep thinking about it. I think I feel guilty, because of the way it had to end. I think I feel guilty. I don't want anything hanging over me that God can be mad at me for. I want a clean slate, I want to be able to reflect on my life right now and feel like I'm doing everything right.

But, how do I go about this, go through the whole, "I'm sorry for this and that" all that stuff? Where will that bring everything? It's not really going to change how I act, but at least I won't feel bad? I don't know. I always go back to thinking about my sister and this girl she used to be best best best best best friends with, and now they don't even talk. Occasional "hi" here and there, but nowhere near what they used to be. So, I figure, okay, people change, it's fine, life goes on. But it seems like a waste don't you think? To invest so much time in someone, to go through so much with someone and then it all amounts to... NOTHING. Like, parang... nahihinayang ako. I feel like I bought something really, REALLY expensive and then I broke it. And I know I can fix it, but it costs too much to fix it, so I'd rather have it broken and move on, then fix it. Kinda like that.

I don't know dude. I really, truly don't know. I'm happy, but this one thing keeps annoying the crap out of me. Ideally, I want to be able to live my life with you as just like a piece of furniture. Like you're just there and I don't even notice you and you're just like basically nothing to me. Like other people who are just there, I can walk past them and not give a crap that they're there, they don't annoy me or anything. But I just can't for the life of me do that. Your freakin' voice carries over to wherever I am and I can hear it and I'm just like, go away. Dang, just go away, or be quiet at least. Dang.

Saturday, 03 January 2009

New Year. New Me.

2008 was probably the year that I've learned the most about myself and about others. We've been taught all along to trust EVERYTHING in God and that's exactly what I intend to do. All I want to do is serve God and perform my duties to the best of my abilities. That's all that matters in this world. Once He comes we can't bring our jobs, our money, our cars, our girlfriends, our boyfriends, our computers, our phones, our houses, and what not with us. The only thing we can take with us are our duties.

I'm rich with duties and faith and love, that's all that matters right? I don't need to worry about what others think and what others say because what they say doesn't matter.

I want to live this year not having problems with anyone and worrying about the unimportant things in this life. I want to get my priorities straight and do the Lord's work.

Please help me be strong, please help me put all my trust in you. Guide me in the performance of my duties to always put them first in front of everything in this world. Please don't let me get caught up in the evil of this world. Once and for all let me take care of my parents and family and give them everything they want and need.

As far as friendships go... some ended and a lot began and I still look back and feel really sad that all of this had to happen but I'm happy. I'm happy for the changes I've made and I'm glad for things I've realized. I've learned so much about people and about acceptance. I know we're all human and that none of us are perfect. I also learned that people are bound to hurt you and say things they don't necessarily mean but you must learn how to forgive and let go.

I've also learned that I'm okay without people and that I'll live. I have people who love me and won't waste their time trying to hurt me or use me.

My goal for 2009 is to finally let go and not waste my time on you. At the same time not to completely cast you out. I want to be able to live with you in my life and be OK. I think I can do it, better yet I KNOW I can do it. This coming year will make up for 2008.

I believe it.

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Word spreads.

Sometimes the things you say, good or bad, make their way around the rumor mill.

Sometimes you don't realize that when you talk about someone that they find out what you say, and you end up hurting them.

Sometimes you say things you don't mean and then when someone finds out, it ruins everything.

Sometimes you find out things that people say about you, people you TRUST, and it crushes your heart.

Sometimes you need your heart crushed to realize you're wrong.

Sometimes someone needs to talk bad about you to remind you not to stoop down to that level and talk crap too.

Sometimes you need a good cry to feel better.

Sometimes it's the people you bend over backwards for who hurt you the most.

But you ALWAYS learn and you ALWAYS get over it, because in the end, things will ALWAYS be okay.

Now I kinda understand why Raccoon just keeps to herself and doesn't mess with people too much. It's so much easier.

Peace easy.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Yesterday.

I seriously thought that I was having an allergic reaction to something because I kept having to sneeze but the sneeze just didn't seem to want to leave my nose. I sneezed a couple of times, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to sneeze ten times in a row just to relieve my nose of the itchiness. I guess it didn't help that I only had about 4 hours of sleep because I worked at 4:00 am yesterday morning and I was planning to go straight to sleep after I got off work but then my mom, sister, and brother (Antwan) surprised me at work and we ended up shopping for like 6 hours. So, by the 10th or 11th store we visited (Wal-Mart) I ended up staying in the car to sleep. What's even crazier, when I got home from the mall, maybe around 4:15pm, which is about 12 hours since I left my home that morning, I left again to go to the mall AGAIN. But this time around, I was actually able to buy something.

So, I was with GC3, I know, I know, always with the little girlies, but I have fun with them, I can be myself and also feel like mom for the night when I'm with them. It's just good times whenever I'm with those girls. Anyways, I think being out for the whoooole day, in the COLD, triggered this illness in me today. It could be other things, but I already prayed to God about that.

But, the good thing is that I don't have the flu like I had last May and I'm starting to feel a little better. I'm pretty tired, but not aching the way I did last time. That time was pretty bad. I'm just happy I'm not sick during school because I wouldn't want to miss any more school than I already have, which, dropped my grade >.<

Other than that, I'm pretty happy because I bought the belt I've been wanting and this one cute top that I've been wanting to complete my outfit, I don't know what this outfit is for, but I've been wanting it for a couple weeks now, but I also need to replace my break pads so, there's another expense to worry about, oh yeah, I need to pay my phone bill. Silly Rachelle. Well, I should get some sort of rest now, I want to attend CWS tomorrow, God willing I'll feel better tomorrow. Ttyl.

Love Rachelle.