I'm confused. I don't know what is the right thing to do in this specific situation. I wish I knew how to make everything okay, but it's almost like that's just something temporary or fake. And I'm not fake, if I don't like you, I will most definitely keep my distance.

Keeping my distance is a tell-tale sign of how I feel about someone. But what a drastic change it has been. From this to that, or I mean, from that to this. It's hard to really comprehend and digest. I don't know why I changed. Growing up, finally, maybe? I think that's the biggest thing.

It feels like breaking up with a boyfriend. I feel like I'm going through the post-break-up stages or something. You start with the whole animosity thing, then treat each other like they don't exist, yada yada yada. I'm getting used to it. Blah. I don't know why I keep thinking about it. I think I feel guilty, because of the way it had to end. I think I feel guilty. I don't want anything hanging over me that God can be mad at me for. I want a clean slate, I want to be able to reflect on my life right now and feel like I'm doing everything right.

But, how do I go about this, go through the whole, "I'm sorry for this and that" all that stuff? Where will that bring everything? It's not really going to change how I act, but at least I won't feel bad? I don't know. I always go back to thinking about my sister and this girl she used to be best best best best best friends with, and now they don't even talk. Occasional "hi" here and there, but nowhere near what they used to be. So, I figure, okay, people change, it's fine, life goes on. But it seems like a waste don't you think? To invest so much time in someone, to go through so much with someone and then it all amounts to... NOTHING. Like, parang... nahihinayang ako. I feel like I bought something really, REALLY expensive and then I broke it. And I know I can fix it, but it costs too much to fix it, so I'd rather have it broken and move on, then fix it. Kinda like that.

I don't know dude. I really, truly don't know. I'm happy, but this one thing keeps annoying the crap out of me. Ideally, I want to be able to live my life with you as just like a piece of furniture. Like you're just there and I don't even notice you and you're just like basically nothing to me. Like other people who are just there, I can walk past them and not give a crap that they're there, they don't annoy me or anything. But I just can't for the life of me do that. Your freakin' voice carries over to wherever I am and I can hear it and I'm just like, go away. Dang, just go away, or be quiet at least. Dang.

Sometimes the things you say, good or bad, make their way around the rumor mill.

Sometimes you don't realize that when you talk about someone that they find out what you say, and you end up hurting them.

Sometimes you say things you don't mean and then when someone finds out, it ruins everything.

Sometimes you find out things that people say about you, people you TRUST, and it crushes your heart.

Sometimes you need your heart crushed to realize you're wrong.

Sometimes someone needs to talk bad about you to remind you not to stoop down to that level and talk crap too.

Sometimes you need a good cry to feel better.

Sometimes it's the people you bend over backwards for who hurt you the most.

But you ALWAYS learn and you ALWAYS get over it, because in the end, things will ALWAYS be okay.

Now I kinda understand why Raccoon just keeps to herself and doesn't mess with people too much. It's so much easier.

Peace easy.

You will never never never know me.... 0o0o0o0o0o0o.

So, I'm bugging ever frikin customer that comes in, along with my coworkers, about the lyrics of that song and I've been totally mixing up TWO DIFFERENT SONGS.

One's called "If you don't know me by now" and the other one is "At this moment." I feel like an idiot, but it's okay, work was fun today.

So, I've got a couple check-offs that need to be done. I need to study Nitrous Oxide, Fluoride, Perio Pac, and mouth mirror. I'll try and get started on Rubber Dam ASAP as well. Test on Monday for Unit 2 and next week is the last week before VACAY! WOOT WOOT! Teena's coming thru this December, I can't wait to see that son of a gun, I miss you bear!

So, I've been at the mall so much this week and I swear to you that I've seen ANYONE and EVERYONE I've known. It truly is such a small world. I saw Rana from Kumon! I guess her little sister works at SR now and her little sister was asking her, "Do you know anyone named Rachelle? Because everyone keeps talking about her." I was touched so deeply because I didn't know the kids still remember me or what not. I also saw Brittany from Kumon too! Sue works at this one restaurant by Hotdog on a Stick and one night I saw everyone from Church. It's been crazy good to see everyone.

Gonna kick it in Tracy tomorrow! Oh yeah, our CWS is doing a skit about the Beginning of time. Awesome. Year-end Thanksgiving is coming up, I've been looking forward to that for so long, but I feel bad because my offering is nowhere near the same amount as last years, so yeah, that's one of my downfalls, I don't set aside my offering the way I should. I know that if I set aside my offering ahead of time and give that first priority that God will never leave me alone.

Being CWS Teacher has been amazing. I can't even begin to express how rewarding it feels to be up there. It's not even the fact that attention is on me, but just to be able to be up there teaching the kids and for them to get it and really understand it, that's the best part, I also love meeting new kids from other locals. Dylan is so my new Kody for Tracy local haha.

I'm just excited for everything that's coming up. I can't wait to finish school and go to externship. I'm really excited about all the new friends I've been making and for the friends I've kept. Everything is just going so well! I wish I had decided to become a Dental Assistant a long time ago, but you know what they say, everything happens for a reason. The good thing is that I have my AA Degree and I could easily take a couple more classes to get a degree in Dental Assisting and then take a couple more classes to become a Dental Hygienist. And the cool thing about it is that I have been training to clean teeth in a more thorough manner than a RDH, because they don't really perform coronal polish as thoroughly as DAs do. But that's because they had just scaled the teeth, but no matter. RDH it is, and who knows, I might even go into Orthodontics or Pedodontics. I just wanna work with the kiddies.

So, I was talking about how close I am to getting married and I realized just HOW different my life would be once I'm married and I don't think it's time for me to settle down just yet. There's so much I still wanna do on my own and there's so much "me" time that I want to have before I offer my life up to another person, you know? I still wanna be able to do things on my own time and make my decisions without having to answer to anyone but my parents. I like going where I please and doing what I want and spending time with whomever I choose without worrying about my SO getting angry or jealous or what not.

So, I'm doing Rachelle and I'm having such a wonderful time with it. Everything's falling into place and it feels good. And New Year's Eve is coming and then spending time with the Family, dude, it's going to be an exciting next couple of weeks. I get to go to Berk tonight! WOOHOO! I miss my Kumon ladies. =D

Lovelovelove,

Rae